Holy Tornado

To see the soul of your comrade listen carefully to his music.

Friday, June 09, 2006

CALORIES THAT DON'T COUNT

More misinformation from the book I previously mentioned:

1. All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs, and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking appears to accelerate this process, so that an ice cream bar or hot dog eaten at the state fair actually has a calorie deficit.

2. Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with the radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food but all recollections of having eaten it.

3. Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to 'straighten up the edges' by slicing away the offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten.

4. If you drink a diet soda while eating a candy bar, they cancel each other out.

5. If you have a glass of punch in your left hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories. Several principals are at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a wedding reception, (see #1) then there's the electronic field: A wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to the other hand. It's not quite known how it works, but it's reversable if you're left handed.